I'm glad you took a humorous post so sensitively.
There are a lot of studies, but in one the average aerodynamic particle size of a cough is ~8um (which the virus would be attached to). In a separate study of surgical masks, there's a less than 0.2% penetration percentage for a particle size average of 3.1um. You would infer that for 8um it would be even less. And of course, 8um is 26x larger than the gap in a surgical mask at its smallest point.
Anyways, your analogy is already flawed. Most problems with surgical masks aren't related to mask efficiency, but goodness of fit. So in your analogy, you wouldn't walk through the garage door, you would just go around back of the house and enter the sliding door that was left wide open when you fell asleep on the couch.